Godly Sorrow
I joined the United States Military in early February of 2008 and was shipped out to basic training a couple of months later. I settled on this path due to an offense that I chose to run from instead of dealing with through Godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 10:7). I ultimately felt like I had failed God, so I planned to run so far that I could never hear His voice again.
After basic training in late 2008, I was deployed to Iraq with the 4th Infantry Division (out of Fort Carson Colorado). We were deployed in MRAPs and lived on a COP (Combat Outpost) and had to burn our own human waste with jet fuel. It was a very demanding deployment made even more so by my conscience. Like a fool, I attempted to erase the very memory of being a Christian. I began contacting old high school classmates just to blaspheme the name of our Holy God to prove I was not a Christian. I accepted anything and everything that I knew stood against Christ.
These extreme measures started when I began to receive a very evil song into my soul. Titled “Voodoo,” it is from a band called godsmack (left lower-case for obvious reasons). There is a line that says: “when I feel the snake bite enter my veins.” The song seems to point toward inviting demons into your life and sealing them up as you chant “voodoo” repeatedly. For a long time, I was afraid to sing this song because I knew what it would mean for me. Finally, I chose to open my soul to those demons so I could shut out God and my conscience. I truly did not realize the weight and depth of what I would open myself to, but seeing it all from this side now, the memory tries to haunt me to this very day.
Recently, I expressed to my counselor, the pain that this part of my past holds over me. He helped me to identify that this might truly be my thorn in the flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7) and that he should not try to remove it. I began to weep bitterly because of the difficulty of living with the pain that it has caused. He said that as Jesus did not remove Paul’s thorn (even when he pleaded with Him in 2 Corinthians 12:7), that I don’t need the thorn gone because it produces good fruit in my life.
He shared that there are two different types of sorrow and showed me two different examples from the Bible.
The first is Peter’s denial of Jesus three times (Luke 22:54-62). Afterward, Peter displayed the right kind of sorrow that leads to repentance called “Godly Sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10). The second is of Judas Iscariot when he felt guilty for betraying Jesus, our Savior (Matthew 27:1-10). Judas displayed the wrong kind of sorrow that leads to death called “worldly sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10).
When the counselor showed me the two pictures of sorrow, my mind did not know what to think. Once I began to receive it, though, it was so eye opening to me because I have been processing all sorrow the same way. He continued that I need to learn how to process sorrow as Peter did in the Bible (leading to life), and not as Judas (leading to death).
Firstly (and this is crucial), it is very tempting to stuff pain down and avoid thinking about it, but we know this never works long term and only results in deeper pain. Rather, we need to be thankful for the fires we experience in life because it brings our pains and sorrows to the surface. Then we are faced with dealing with them. Paul explains to us in 2 Corinthians 7:11-12a “10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.” We must be sure that we process the sorrow in a way that brings life (Godly Sorrow), and not death (worldly sorrow).
Another verse to consider is Proverbs 13:12 which says, “Delayed hope makes the heart sick, but fulfilled desire is a tree of life.” Often, when we try to process our sorrow, we look at it as a loss of hope, much as Judas did. He was unable to confront the darkness in his life and the byproduct was lost hope. His heart became extremely sick, and he ended his life because of it. Peter, on the other hand, did not lose hope after realizing what he had done, but rather, the scriptures say he “remembered the Word of the Lord,” then went outside and wept bitterly (Luke 22:61-62). He did not allow the extreme sorrow to overtake his life, but remember what Christ told him and trusted in that. Like Judas, Peter still faced extreme sorrow, but how he processed it was crucial in overcoming it. As difficult as it is, we must allow ourselves the time we need to fully process our sorrow, remember the words of the Lord, and seek His face. Truly He is the only one that can fulfill the desires in our hearts (Psalms 145:19), which is a tree of life.
Please, my brothers and sister in Jesus, don’t mask or bottle up the sorrow you feel. Remember Christ and His words found in the Holy Scriptures. Read your Bible, and never stop praying to your Father in Heaven who hears the cries of the wounded (Psalm 34:17-18). Process your sorrow with Jesus and those who truly live for Him (and want the best for you). I pray for you all, in Jesus name that sorrow will no longer have power over your life, but rather, your life be hidden in Christ. Then, you will be able to truly process your pain and sorrows in a holy manner that leads to life and not death. As tough as it is, you got this in Jesus Name!
